Friday, October 29, 2021

What's Outside Your Zoom Screen?


One of the things I've enjoyed about doing so many things on Zoom since Covid hit (okay, maybe the only thing I've enjoyed) is getting to see into people's lives in new ways. I love looking at what people have hanging on their walls and how they've decorated because it makes for great conversation starters. "Where was that photo taken?" "What's that trophy for?" "Is that a cello? Do you play?" Sometimes a pet will wander into the frame and I get to ask about this member of the family I've never met. Even if someone uses a virtual background, I love to learn why they chose the one they did. 

At times, I also wonder what's not in the frame. When I lead a service or study group, I always take time ahead to check what is on the screen when I turn it on to remove anything I don't want people to see. Dirty laundry? A stack of used dishes? Better put those away or change the camera angle!  

The photo I included with this post is one I took on a Sunday this past January when we had a bad snow storm and my staff decided to lead worship from home instead of driving to church. I reorganized and decorated my bedroom so that there was a simple wall with crosses behind me and my books, communion supplies, and everything I needed was within reach, but off camera. On the computer it looked like I was in a small chapel, but in person, it was the messy hodgepodge you see here (including a barely comfortable seat). 

Most of the time, I'm not embarrassed by other "real life" things being in the picture, but I don't want distractions for people seeing my screen. But sometimes I want things to look better than they actually are and I've had conversations where people have complimented someone's home or office and get the response, "That's only because you can't see what's behind my camera. It's a real mess in here." 

A recent comment like that made me wonder, "What do we hide outside our public Zoom screen?" Do we really show ourselves in our camera view, or do we carefully curate what people will see like I did for that worship service in January? (And if I'm being completely honest, I even tidied that space up a bit before taking a behind-the-scenes picture I would share.) 

And I'm not just talking about Zoom, either. How honest are we about the mess that's "out of sight" to most people? There's been a lot of controversy lately with Facebook and social media because of the negative impact they can have on self-image and mental health. A lot of that negative impact is because we can do a tight camera shot on the best and most exciting parts of our lives -- or even photoshop them to perfection! -- and other people assume that small slice of life is the norm. Social science has shown that even when we know we are trying to show a "perfect" life to others, we assume everyone else's "perfect" life is real. 

I've also witnessed many examples of "imposter syndrome" at church. Imposter syndrome is a real thing where someone assumes they are an imposter, that everyone in a group belongs except for them. For example: "I'm the only one here who questions my faith." "I'm the only one here who has to yell at my kids." "I'm the only one here who has embarrassing secrets in my past." In reality, the "imposter" is usually part of the majority, but everyone in the majority assumes, "I'm the only one..."

Outside the Zoom camera and behind the public Facebook life, we are all imperfect people with literal and figurative dirty houses and dark, stuffed closets. I've learned many, many times in my life that the things I think make me strange or alone are almost always shared with someone in a group. And when I learn that I'm not the only one with a dirty house, or frustrating kids, or whatever, I find strength to both be honest and get better. Pretending that the perfect life on the Zoom screen is an image of my whole life leads to anxiety, exhaustion, and fear, but being able to say, "my house is a mess" can build community, trust, and love. And those are the things we're really looking for anyway, right?

From the Gray,

Pastor Ari

Please read: I should say that I'm not promoting that we share everything we keep private. Oversharing brings a raft of problems itself and everyone does not need to know everything about me or you. I am saying we shouldn't hide every ugly thing off camera and deny that they exist. Like the example above, we should be honest that what you see looks good, but there is a big mess off camera. e.g. I am open about living with depression and anxiety, but the details of that are just for me, my therapist, and my closest friends.

“Don't tell me that you can't, and that you're gonna back down. You're gonna stand here and fight for it” -Lucy Spraggan, “Fight For It”

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